Current

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing

 

an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

 
 
 

 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 

 
 

 
 


 
 

 
 
.


 
 


 

 

 

 
   
 
 
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own
business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
 
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a " Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
 
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off
before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
 
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that
could have been me!"
 
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
 
 
 

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him,

"How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.

"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

 

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

 

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,

And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."  

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,

"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."  

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,

"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane.

She asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,

"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.

But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks,

"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.

My mom is a good cook."

 

This is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

 

 

 

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

 

 

 

"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

 

 

 

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

 

 

 

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,

 

 

 

"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

  

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. 

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. 

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. 

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." 

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. 

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." 

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

    BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
 

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
 

Statement of the Century 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
 
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

 

 

 

 
               

--

Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous. 
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.  

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. 

 


The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. 

 


The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. 
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 
  "Do you know where God is, son?" 

 


The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.  

 


So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,   "Where is God?!  

 


Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. 

 


The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"  

 


The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.  

 


When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 
"What happened?"
 

 


The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,  

 


"We are in BIG trouble this time!"      "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"  

  Life is good when you turn gray!

 
Yesterday, I  wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in  particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I  retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good  for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing  some of the people that frequent this  establishment.

But, I  digress... enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing  in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early  thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"

"No," I  replied.

"Then why are  you wearing that cap?"

"Because I  couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."

I thought this  was a snappy retort.

"The War of  1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was  that?"

God forgive me,  but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.  "1936,"

I answered, as  straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my  response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812  if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black  Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was  beginning to be way too much fun!

"Dude! Really?"  he exclaimed.

"How did you  get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced  furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice  said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission." 

"Dude," he was  really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously  awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really.  The other guys were all wearing white  camouflage."

The moron  nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I  said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still  'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he  gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I  do?"

With a really  hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything  to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped,  left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the  lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.  I just grinned at her.

After checking  out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window  talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing  excitedly in my direction.

Giving him  another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned  kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a  flurry of dust.

What a great  time I had!

Tomorrow I'm  going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next  day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how  long it takes to empty out the place.


Whoever said retirement is boring just  needs the right kind of cap!

 

 

 
 





 
Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1.

Never take a beer to a job interview.

2.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.

It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2.

Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys

2.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1.

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2.

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'

3.

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4.

Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS

1.

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3.

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4.

Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


 
 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1.

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4.

When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:

1.

All the DNA is the same.

2.

There are no dental records.


 

 

CLASS OF 58

Front Row L to R:  Bill Rizer, Steve O'Brien, Kent Smallcomb, Karen Smallcomb Vogt, Archie Holoubeck

2nd row:  Roger Garrelts, Linda Thurston Hellman, Sharon Wagner Stovall, Gwen Fuqua Traxler, Sharon Wisch Mason, Janet Sizer Deines, Carol Zumbrunnen Waggoner   3rd row:  Marilyn Shaeffer, Linda Hohnholt Bramer, Laura Altmaier Diest, Marilyn Shiers Kraft, Richard Barlow, Betty Sheldon Heiliger, Jacquie Peister Harsin, Wayne Olson, Vern Riege    back row :  Vern Hasty, Marlin Anderson, Jerry Billings, Dan Rochford, John Hein, Dave Marshall, Keith Danburg, Marshall Cope, Lynn Miller, Jim Erpelding, John Payne

 

 

"CLASS OF 58" JUNE 15, 2013

Can't find my name tag. Did I really look like that?

Linda and the "native American". 

Marilyn and Roger
The "boys club".
 
Judy Billings and Gwen
John,Betty and Vince
Richard Barlow
The Millers
 
 
 
Janet
 
Welcome and its gonna go like this!
 
Who is telling the biggest "whopper"?
Sharon
Something is not quite right there! And they are not looking at Lynn!
 
Marlin
Marilyn
John
Carol Zumbrunnen (Waggoner) looking great!
 
Vern, Carol and Marilyn
 Who are these obviously having fun class "femme fatales"? Taken at the dinner.
A big smile from Linda.
 
World theatre tour pictures. Tickets please?
 
Pretty huh?
Back stage not so pretty.
 

We've been in this very spot sometime before! World theatre lobby.

Marshall Cope and Dave Marshall

In remembrance table.

Boy this table is popular! All coke products I'm sure!


The magician show was a crowd pleaser. He is the grandson of Verne Hasty. In the first  picture above he was trying to make Karen Vogt  6 foot tall but failed! The second picture is where he had his hands full with these two characters! 
 

Cute couple! Careful Marilyn, he is kind of a renegade ladies man!

What happened asks Dan?


Kent is leading these guys astray!

 

Jacquie on the spot!

Richard  , Dan and Marlin

The 3 H's Hein, Hasty and Holoubeck

Karen, whats up? 

Everybody wants their picture taken with Marilyn!

Some more pictures below.

 

 

Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

 

 

 

 
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!

Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine

 

 

 

 
 
 

<en2.gif>



 

Young people have theirs,
now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

Men are so romantic

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text...

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send
me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

He texted back... "I am on the john. What should I do?"

``````````````````````````````
 IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
>
> 1) You can't count your hair.
> 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap. 
> 3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
 
> Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
 
> Ten (10) Things I know about you.

 
> 1) You are reading this.
 
> 2) You are human.
>
>
> 3) You can't say
> the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
>
>
> 4) You just attempted to do it.
>
>
> 6) You are laughing at yourself.
 
> 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
  

> 8) You
> just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 

> 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it
> too.
 
> 10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
 

> Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful DAY!! even
> when it's not.

 

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,

YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE,

SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

The BEST Little Johnny joke I have ever heard!

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited..

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that

approach for my obvious success."


"Very good", said the teacher.


Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and

I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box

full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.


"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip

stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say,

"It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method

of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and

then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

You remember the  " Shriners Convention" song by Ray Stevens ? Well we have discovered "Coy " the ornery Shriner who had his "Harley" up on the high dive board and swam with the waitresses in his "fruit of the looms ".  Who would have thought it was one of our own ? Bubba divulged this . Wonder if his wife knows?

 

 

Ole, Sven, and Lars decide they are going to Mexico for a vacation. They get falling down drunk and wake up in jail and find out they all have been sentenced to die in the electric chair.

Sven is the first to be strapped in the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Sven says, "I yust graduated from St. John's College in Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a good Christian man.... but if it is God's will for me to die, so be it."

The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards get on their knees and say, "You are surely a Godly man and we are going to let you go."

Lars is next to be strapped into the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Lars says, "I yust graduated from Concordia college in Moorhead, Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a God fearing man. If it is my time to die, it is God's will."

The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards say, "You also are a Godly man and we are going to let you go."

Ole is the last to be strapped into the electric chair. The guards ask him if he has any last words. Ole says, "Vel, I yust graduated from South Dakota Tech in electrical engineering.... and I'll tell ya right now, if you don't plug dat ting in, it ain't gonna work."


 

EMBARRASSMENT


A guy asked a girl in a university library:

"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy;

he was truly embarrassed.


After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table
and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.

I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice:

“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear:

"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
 
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
 
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..
 
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
 
 





 

 
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.
 
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
 
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
 
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

?

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.? He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

?

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

?

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.? "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

?

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

?

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

?

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East.? I am not American."

?

He finally sees a woman and asks, "Are you an American?"

?

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

?

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African woman checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.."

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac



Doing 65 mph


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away


For a couple seconds...


to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was


Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
and
I dropped


My electric shaver


Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Cell Phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs!



Splashed,


And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an
Important call.


Damn women drivers!
 


 
 
> After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
> > When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
> > every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
> > On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
> > feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
> > she had endured.
> >
> > Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
> > therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
> > stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
> > watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat
> > down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and
> > said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you
> > do this?"
> >
> > "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
> > Fridays, I fish."


 


 
 
 
 
 
.

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
                 

 

  

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 












































 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.
 
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
 
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
 
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.